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User blog:Joeaikman/Ivan the Terrible vs Alexander the Great - Rap Battle
Welcome to my interpretation of the idea that I hope ERB do for their mid season finale. Ivan the Terrible, the legendary Tsar of Russia, battles off with Alexander the Great, conquering king of Russia. Ivan is backed up by Vlad the Impaler and Attila the Hun, whilst Alexander is aided by Rameses the Great and Constantine the Great. Hope you enjoy! This Zeusless ruler’s ruthless hubris serves problematic to his suitors His generals were his wooers, but I will make him first time a loser Conquest capital became his tomb when wine proved to be his death Hear his lyrics and prove that we should switch our wrong epithets I’m the bruising brute of Moscovy, Conquest climates most severe The moment you were challenged you suddenly Tyred of your career I’ll Sack your many self named cities with a sword of faith and rock Your descendants took my money to build churches to their gods Whilst you died heirless none can deny my truly Great virility Expanding Russian borders whilst still crushing my own nobility Your empire fell with you and your descendants only took a sliver Yet you choose to babble on, so baby can you cry me a River Only a Basileus chosen by the Olympiad can truly rule you Aristotle schooled me on how exactly I can school you An overgrown failure who both audibly and godlessly Defied my prophecy and tried to stop my Great Odyssey I’m a lion leading lions, you’re a sheep needing sheared Slash a sword so as to cut countless knots in your beard The truth is you’re a nuisance to your noble class and all Regard you as a mocked monarch and a Tsar that must fall And he only left an heir who was incompetent in the head Good for him, I suppose, when another son was left dead Beaten by daddy, hence the Terrible has stuck on the end Of this brutal tyrant who was put in the world by inbreds I hear a massacre brewing, and Vlad is Hungary for a piece of it A Wallachian Prince, on a crusade against this shit lyricist Your victories are nothing, your enemies already beaten Claimed as undefeatable but got taken down by the seasons Cross me and watch a forest form of your fighting phalanx I inspire loyalty in my guards, you only find dissent in your ranks Bruising boyars and blood, bashing both Elders and Sultans Keep Voivodes as advisors, your eunuch lover’s your consultant Spit, Serpent, or find the wrath of the church and its might Sharpen a new spike so as to raise you high after this Night This is a fight you can’t win, tactics won’t prevent the fail And when you lose to Vlad there’s only one fate; impaled As sure as the Nile must flood, so must the cannon of Canaan Verse a Tsar who’s wasteland even my men couldn’t campaign in Mock a crackpot orthodox, who couldn’t match to my blocks Walled off in his city cos I’m a Simbel to the truest gods Ra chose me to bring a sadist down to the level he should be Dethroned by his brother, even when backed by christianity Betrayed by his allies, locked up in a cell for being meek Came back to claim the throne, but would only last a week I took many festivals in my reign, easier sed than done You can crawl to sue for peace because Egypt has won The Great Ancestor of rap, and we can truly say for certainty You rest in a lost tomb, whilst I lie with kings for all eternity Attila’s killer thriller lyrics prove to be a harsh hitter Makes your bitter slaves worship me like your holy river The horse lord and war lord of hordes you cannot score Fought wars for the plunder that this Hun must enforce I mired the entire of North Rome, you strived for a ceasefire We go on a savage rampage that bleeds a whole empire Charge forward, men! Launch arrows to give a slaughter To the sons of a heathen who fucked his own daughter Feed a horse, now lead to stampede a Greek boy Whose Alexiad played at war like it’s a freak’s toy Unmarked tomb maybe, but that is the mark of a ruler Not a slave remembered for a cartoon in the future Ave, countrymen! I hear a Hun wants to oppose mighty Rome Yet every time he launched a conquest he was roughly sent home No successes before his death at the hands of his wedding guests Fought the rest, but had the Gaul to be left dead in Budapest Reformed many parts of society, and the solidus is solidest Changed Ecclesiastical History like my foremost novelist Cross off all my enemies whether by noose or by Tiber Send their heads to Carthage as evidence of my fibre The rightful Augusti and Emperor, I started a dynasty Revolutionised the clergy and brought forth a great city I’m equal to the apostles, blessed with Chi and Rho Guided my army by Christ to slay more enemies of Rome Let the Hunnic punish! All your legions aren’t comparable Waste your time as Greats, when the joys of life are Terrible No Roman mogul can ogle with the most vocal and ignoble Your fame claim dropped as its Istanbul not Constantinople Beware the bear of Russia, let my cavalry charge cause fear Feel the pain when my timbre tears up inside your rear We made our mark on history with blood and guts and gore These Greats may compensate for being the kids of whores The tepid threats of Tepes do not scare people in General We have large monuments, you have ephemeral burials Stele victories, but with honour as the son of a saint Feint right, then strike, but hit you with some restraint We led better lives, hence why we took our sobriquets The fear of the Pharohs, the Wonders of the ancient plains We live on forever, always to be immortalised in song There’s a reason that tyrants never rule for very long Who Won? The Greats The Terribles The Best Great? Alexander Rameses Constantine The Best Terrible? Ivan Vlad Attila Category:Blog posts